Where are you?
In a non slutty way
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
