I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
