I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
