You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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