seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
