Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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