At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
