So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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