brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
