I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
