upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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