my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
