The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize