there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
