He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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