i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I didn't notice because vodka
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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