You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
