Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
