You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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