nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
