they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
