Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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