my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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