I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
