Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
