Me too!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
