On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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