His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
