whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
