I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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