i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just pee around me
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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