We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize