hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
