every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Panties = found
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
