I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
