WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
