the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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