How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
