Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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