...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize