Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
