I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize