I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
