checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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