I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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