There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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