Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
