she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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