Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Randomize
