Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
