So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
My ATM looks so different sober.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
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