If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
