Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
