Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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