She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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