Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
