i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
