He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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